These discussions don’t negate our faith in God; they only highlight our humanity.
And yet, I also have to admit that I struggle with season changes because they represent the passage of time. Time is something I often feel I don’t have enough of. There are so many things I thought I would have already experienced at this point in my life, so many things I’ve watched others (who appear to have much more time to spare) already able to enjoy. Which I guess just brings us back to the whole purpose of this blog – to talk about the things that didn’t go according to plan, to grow through them. Together.
So let’s talk about it.
I don’t think anything induces anxiety in me quite like the feeling that I have to hurry up and make something happen before time runs out. Somehow, somewhere I have adopted this idea that 1) it’s on me to make things happen, and 2) I only have so much time to do it. Time is running out quicker than I want to believe.
Of course, I know the truths-turned-clichés just as well as you do: God’s timing is perfect; He will bring His plans to pass; His ways are higher; etc. I’m not arguing any of that. I believe it wholeheartedly. And if the roles were reversed and I was the one reading these confessions of your heart, I would be talking back to you, too.
But let’s be honest because that’s what you and I do when we talk – we tell the truth. Haven’t you wrestled through these same feelings at one point or another? These discussions don’t negate our faith in God; they only highlight our humanity. And in our humanity, trusting God can often feel really scary. We know He is good, but we also don’t always know what He’s doing. Actually, we mostly do not know what He is doing.
Rather than resting in the truth that all the days ordained for us were written in His book before one of them came to be, we wrestle with the fact that we were not given the option to write any of our own ideas into anyone’s book.
Yet, somehow, someway, we have bought into the illusion of control. And when we feel like we have lost control – or worse, when we realize that we can’t actually control something (someone? Yikes…moving on…), emotional chaos erupts.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I have control issues. Now, this might come as a surprise to… absolutely no one. I’m human, and I’m a woman, so I think I’m actually genetically predisposed to the belief that I can make something – anything – happen. I don’t have a single monocle of scientific data to back this claim up except that Eve ate the fruit, and Adam couldn’t stop her. Not that he tried. But let’s not go there right now…
Anyway, I recently had an experience with these control issues that led me down a dark and anxious path, resulting in me lying in bed wide awake at 3 AM. I was caught in a battle between my heart’s desires and my God’s timing, frustrated that He just does not seem to care about how much His perfect timing hurts my imperfect feelings.
Rather than resting in the truth that all the days ordained for me were written in His book before one of them came to be, I wrestled with the fact that I was not given the option to write any of my ideas into anyone’s book.
Is trusting God really as risky and dangerous as it feels, or have we just forgotten who He is?
So at 3 AM, eyes wide open, I cried out from the deepest part of my soul, “God, just change me!” See, my soul knew something that my mind would do well to remember: I’ve already surrendered. This wrestling – and any other that may come – is not the kind of fight that will take me away from Jesus. Rather, this wrestling only serves to make me look more like Him.
I’m learning to reframe my perspective when things feel chaotic and out of control. Perhaps what appears to be upset from my vantage point is actually just God moving. If His ways really are higher, then we are bound to misinterpret things. Is it really chaotic, or does it just feel that way because I’m not in the loop?
Is trusting God really as risky and dangerous as it feels, or have we just forgotten who He is?
God is sovereign, but we have a say.
Here’s the thing, and maybe this is the point I didn’t know I had at the beginning of all this: We actually do have control, just maybe not in the way we’d like. Ok fine…not in the way I’d like. I wish I could say the right things and elicit the right responses and see every desire of everyone’s heart come to pass. But that wouldn’t make anything any better.
Unless the heart is fully surrendered to the One who keeps it beating, then its desires are not likely very good. I don’t think we really want to see those things come to life. Whatever relief they may bring to earthly tensions is not worth comparing to the lasting fruit born of Kingdom wants.
In my wrestling, I’ve come away with this truth: God is sovereign, but we have a say. We can control our choice to trust Him. We can control our choice to know Him. We can control our minds’ meditations, and we can either rehearse our heartaches or rehearse His promises.
Surrendering feels risky. Releasing the things we want most into His hands feels dangerous. What if He doesn’t do it the way we want? What if He doesn’t make this happen for us? What if we were wrong?
The real danger zone is that space where we cling so tightly to the desires of our hearts that our desires begin to edge out His presence.
This was really good. Thank you for sharing! 🙂
🙌🏼🙏🏼🫶🏼
So good Kylie, I go through some of the same battles you do and understand. It has been a journey for me and it is getting easier to trust God and allowing my desires to be in line with His desires!