“The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not fear…” True statement. Not an easy application.
I am starting a masters program in theology and global mission – super exciting, equally terrifying. Who am I to think I have the time to toss in 20 hours of school work when I’m already swamped? Well, the thing is, this wasn’t my idea. It was God’s idea.
Which means it’s His to see through. His to fund. His to direct. Praise God.
I Jonah-ed my way through this seminary acceptance, dodging the call for as long as I could before the Holy Spirit (who, in this case sounded a lot like my pastor) made it so plain that I could no longer avoid the instruction. Now, one thing about me is that I’m stubborn. I will not move until I know it’s time to move. But once I know, then I’m all in…stubbornly. Just in the right direction this time.
So I immediately submitted my application seminary materials, many months early, once I vacated my Jonah era. I sent everything in and committed myself, pending acceptance, to a three year journey before I counted the cost… the literal cost and the metaphorical cost.
It’s His to see through. His to fund. His to direct. Praise God.
I do alright financially, but I’m not exactly rolling in free cash. Every dollar is budgeted and accounted for. You know what’s not accounted for? Tuition. But I wasn’t thinking about that when I said yes to God.
You know what else I hadn’t accounted for? 20 hours of schoolwork added to what is typically a 50+ hour work week. But I wasn’t thinking about that when I said yes to God.
I hadn’t accounted for the two weeks I would spend in an academic intensive all the way across the world, away from parents and pups whose health isn’t always consistent. But I wasn’t thinking about that when I said yes to God.
The day I received my acceptance, my mother went to the hospital with health concerns. The day after I purchased my flight for the academic intensive – which was, by the way, the most money I have ever spent in a single transaction that did not allow for monthly payments – my hot water heater died, resulting in an expensive repair.
I wasn’t thinking about that when I said yes to God.
A week after that, my sweet little 12-year-old pup had a medical emergency that resulted in an additional $1300 payment – the exact amount of money I needed to have freed up when I am out of the country for this intensive.
But I wasn’t thinking about that when I said yes to God.
It felt like I was being harassed. As though the devil was saying, “See? All your fears are coming to pass. There’s sickness in your parents and your dogs. You can’t afford to do this – look how much it costs to repair your home and pay the vet. When it comes to your family and your finances, you can’t afford this degree – you ought to just back out now.”
That’s what it looks like. But that’s not the truth.
The truth is, I can’t afford not to get this degree. Because I can’t afford to not obey God.
I can’t afford to not obey God.
I – probably just like you – have a lot of very valid fears. The health of a loved one, the responsibilities we carry in our lives… it’s justifiable to be afraid of failing in these areas. On a scale of rational to irrational fear, these things are totally rational.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not fear the irrational things. But it’s completely acceptable to fear the rational things?
That’s not the Bible. Fear is fear, period. But God is God… PERIOD. Full stop.
His instruction to take courage, to not fear, to nor be anxious for anything… That covers the rational and the irrational.
But I wasn’t thinking about that when I said yes to God.
And I think that’s the point. Give Him the yes first. Figure the rest out later. Or better yet, let Him reveal “the rest” as you need to see it.
That’s not the Bible. Fear is fear, period. But God is God… PERIOD. Full stop.
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