Reconciliation doesn’t automatically equate to restarting the relationship.
Last year, around this time, there were two dear friends of mine – one local and one long distance who ghosted. Out of nowhere. No explanation. I know both of them were dealing with really hard stuff, and I knew they were doing the best they could. I didn’t then, and I still don’t hold anything against them.
I just miss them.
In recent weeks, I’ve found myself finally processing the fact that these women who I loved like sisters have chosen this separation. Of course, there are countless moments where I’ve re-lived conversations, re-read text messages, sent birthday texts in hopes of getting a response, and finally asked myself and God, “What did I do wrong? How did I not love them well?”
I’m very quick to self-examine in conflict, and I often take responsibility that isn’t mine to own. But if I can find something I did wrong, then maybe I can fix it. If I can be in control in some way, maybe I can change this unfavorable outcome. But that’s a myth. Since we can’t control other people, we can’t fully control the outcomes of our relationships.
We can, however, release them to the Lord, standing in faith for His favorable outcome.
Covenant relationships are birthed not just in mutual love, but in purpose.
That leads me to the next logical place and next logical question: what does God say about relationships? In searching, I kept coming back to this one descriptor in the Bible: covenant.
Something that is binding. Permanent, as long as terms are met. Something that unites, not just for community, but to achieve a greatness that cannot be achieved independently.
Covenant relationships are birthed not just in mutual love, but in purpose. Scriptural covenant relationships are powerful, and none more so than the covenants between God and His people. We see three such covenants in the Old Testament: the Abrahamic Covenant (Genesis 12), the Mosaic Covenant (Exodus 19), and the Davidic Covenant (2 Samuel 7).
That last one interests me because it was a covenant made between King David and God. Fast forward several hundred years, and we have Jesus – whose blood created a way for us to be in covenant with God – arriving through the lineage of King David. God is generational; relationships matter to Him. So it’s fitting that they should matter to us.
In keeping with that statement, can we take a quick look at a moment when God spoke to Solomon of His covenant with King David? Solomon had just been crowned the new King of Israel after his father died, and he was charged with carrying out David’s plans to build the temple of God.
There’s making the commitment, then there’s keeping the covenant. These two things are not the same, nor do they require the same measure of character.
God, who you could argue is the very picture of covenant relationship Himself (Father, Son, Holy Spirit), has always longed for a place to meet with His people. First there was the Garden of Eden, then the Tabernacle, and now here we are at the construction of the Temple in 1 Kings 6.
At first glance, this chapter could seem really boring. There’s a lot of temple details of cubits and beams, exterior completion and interior decor. But between the detailed instructions of the interior and exterior, we have this interruption:
11 The word of the Lord came to Solomon: 12 “As for this temple you are building, if you follow my decrees, observe my laws and keep all my commands and obey them, I will fulfill through you the promise I gave to David your father. 13 And I will live among the Israelites and will not abandon my people Israel.” 14 So Solomon built the temple and completed it.
Notice verse 14: He built the temple and completed it. Interesting that scripture differentiates here: there’s building it, then there’s finishing it. There’s exterior, then there’s interior. There’s making the commitment, then there’s keeping the covenant. These two things are not the same, nor do they require the same measure of character.
I can’t help but observe something about the way God speaks to Solomon. In recalling the covenant He made to David, and He says follow my decrees, observe my laws, keep my commandments.
And what will God do in response?
I will fulfill the promise. I will live among you. I will not abandon my people.
Our participation in His process looks like obedience.
There are three things that God gives: decrees, laws, and commandments. There are three things that God promises: to fulfill His promises, to stay with them, and to never leave them. All of those things are God’s responsibility.
How many things is Solomon responsible for? One. Obey. That’s it. Everything else listed in this covenant reminder is on God.
It’s almost as if God is reminding Solomon, “Hey… it’s not you… it’s me… the focus is on me. The weight is on me. Even the power to do the one thing I’m asking of you, that’s on me, I got that too. I part seas. I bring down giants. I restore kingdoms. It’s not you… It’s me. Before you finish this thing I told you to start, pause long enough to remember Who you’re doing this for. Who is the King who will condescend in this very place to dwell with His people? It’s not you… It’s me.”
We cannot get so caught up in doing for God that we forget we are doing this with God. He’s not separate. He’s not distant. Our participation in His process looks like obedience.
Could it be that in the middle of whatever process you are in right now, He is interrupting your flow to remind you of His promise. Is it possible that He is whispering in your ear “Hey don’t forget …it’s not you, it’s me.”
Obedience thrives in the heart that not only accepts God as the focus ritualistically, but rejoices in God relationally.
This is so good. I’ve had similar hurts too, and they’ve definitely marked me. I think the whole friendship ghosting thing goes back to the Garden (Gen. 3)…it’s the hiding and covering up that breaks up relationships with God and others. Also, we as Christians tend to not do conflict or hard conversations well out of fear, bad habits from our families of origin, etc.—which Peter Scazzero calls our “shadow”—or simply because we haven’t developed the skills or language needed to navigate this successfully. Thx for writing on this topic as only you can ❤️
Thank you so much for adding your perspective! I totally agree that we don’t often handle conflict well, maybe out of past hurts or scars, maybe simply because we don’t want to hurt others. Thank you for sharing 🤍